Dear London,
I can’t believe it’s almost been a year already. It’s my last week here, and I catch myself wandering your streets teary-eyed. Living and studying here has been one of the most amazing experiences I’ve ever had. As I walk some of your streets for the last time, I already experience ‘saudade’ – a Portugese word to describe that you are missing or yearning for something, that my amazing friend Gabi taught me. At times, I have adored and loved you, while at other times I hated and cursed you.
I have hated your business, the competitive, individualistic atmosphere, the pollution, the inequality and the noise. But I have loved the diversity of amazing people you attract, your openness, inclusivity and the endless possibilities and opportunities. I have met the most amazing people here, who, in their own way, have been my soulmates – they have all taught me something about life and myself. I have made friends for life, who I know I will see again, wherever our aspirations may bring us. I had the best flatmates one could wish for – having dinner together, celebrating our successes together, drinking and laughing away our desperation about the sometimes impossible demands of LSE and even taking a trip to Malta together.
I’ve experienced London in extremes, and have felt these very strongly. I have felt some of the greatest happiness and joy here, roaming your streets singing and dancing, meeting new friends, having old friends and family visit, talking to strangers and enjoying all you have to offer. I’ve also experienced some of the worst stress and worry, repeatedly being confronted with harshness. Not only of you and LSE, but also my own, as I sometimes demand the impossible of myself. Now that I’m leaving soon, I feel like I’m leaving part of my heart here, like I’ve left a part of my heart in Hong Kong, India, and any other place that’s been my home. Although, right now, it feels like that is breaking my heart a little, I am confident that love, like happiness, does not decrease from being shared.
My close friend Manouk and I talked about this when she came to visit this weekend. We came across this poem by Rupi Kaur that perfectly describes my feelings (although I may be a bit more optimistic):
i don’t know what living a balanced life feels like
when i am sad
i don’t cry i pour
when i am happy
i don’t smile i glow
when i am angry
i don’t yell i burnthe good thing about feeling in extremes is
when i love i give them wings
but perhaps that isn’t
such a good thing cause
they always tend to leave
and you should see me
when my heart is broken
i don’t grieve
i shatter
Most of all, I have learned a lot, some of which I’d like to share with you:
- I (re-)learnt that I don’t believe in being ambitious for the sake of ambition itself, or money, or status. While I have always been ambitious, I need to have a purpose and can only be ambitious about something that I feel is making other people and myself happier. I learnt that, sometimes, taking a step back may allow you to do that better. That is one of the reasons I could not live here forever, despite the love I experience for this city: too many people are running too fast for their own good and the good of others.
- I (re-)discovered my passion. I thought my passion lays with the intersection between human rights and security. Although it partly still does, I discovered that I am intrigued by the questions technology and the Internet raise for human rights, society and politics. That is why I wrote my dissertation about the implications of Facebook’s use of algorithmic profiling for the right to freely receive speech. I also think it’s no coincidence I discovered this, as I almost chose to study Internet law 6 years ago when I first started studying. Apparently this was the right time to (re-)discover this.
- I learnt that I become a better person by challenging myself, by putting myself in uncomfortable situations. Leaving for London, I may have looked happy, but I was also terrified: a whole year in this new, crazy place – leaving again without knowing anything or anyone?! Yet, all these challenges have made me more open, confident and purposeful. During the difficult (exam) period, I longed to go back to Amsterdam, to live a ‘comfortable’ life. However, having finished my masters, I already feel the itch again for new adventures. I wouldn’t be surprised if, in a year or two, you’ll find me somewhere else again. Who knows? That uncertainty may be scary, but isn’t life beautiful like that?
Here are some pictures from my last months in London. Thank you and see you soon <3
